A book that I wrote...

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Those that won't test to see if you know it all...

Footsteps In The Snow

written by: Victor Varsanyi

Copyright 2004 by Victor Varsanyi

I dedicate this book to my future wife.

The search for her was my inspiration.

only love can inspire a man to do some things
unlock his heart
and there is nothing he won't do for you
my lock is broken
i fall in love
because i can't
keep it inside
my lock is broken
my heart is
wide open
it is free
free to love
again
whomever i choose
i hope i choose
wisely
this time


I have stood on top of a mountain and on top of a church.

I felt closer to God, standing on the mountain.

Footsteps In The Snow

i went back to that
spot today
the spot where
the first moment
i'll never forget
occured
i sat there thikning
for awhile
the teetertotter
was still there
worn with age
there were 
footsteps
melted
into the snow
as if somehow
she had been there
before
i thought about her
wondered what
she was doing
then i realized
she may be happy
right where she is
i don't want to
disrupt that
it took me a long time
to realize
who's memory it was
that has haunted 
my mind
now that i know
i can remember
and move on
it's not as if
i really knew her
i just thought
about her
a lot
constantly wondering
who she was
now
i have that answer
and that's all 
i was looking for


fear
i am in a prison
it's called fear
i am afraid
to feel the
way that i feel
i am trapped
my feelings on one side
everyone else's on the otherside
my feelings leak out
in the words i type
i am still in prison
just writing letters
to the world
outside
i am afraid
to feel the way that i do
because
people may not like
me for the way
that i feel
my feelings
influence my actions
without a thought
they take over
and i do things
that i shouldn't
now that i have found my voice
and i can let my feelings leak
there is no more pressure
about the way that i feel
i can express it
and anyone who cares
can read it


Women
mysterious
taunting
haunting
they charm us
unknowingly
they harm us
we need
they need
companionship
without them
we are empty
with them
we are in pain
emptiness or pain
only a woman can
make a man's pain
feel this good
we crave them
desire, hunger
wanting, needing
alone
emptiness is the 
demon we battle
loneliness
the chill of winter
companionship
the warmth of summer
in between
spring and fall
a constant swirl
of emotion
we ride it
it thrills us
when the ride is over
what remains
memories of summer


There is so much I could say about women.
I'll leave it to your imagination.
I think, if it weren't for women, the world would be a dull place.


The Blacksmith
love is my curse
it's the burden i bear
i'm looking for someone with which to share
everytime i think i find her
she crumbles under it's weight
how can there be
such a thing
as
too much love
i don't understand
how can you
have too much
of
a good thing
i try to explain it away
the words leave my mouth empty
her thoughts echo in my mind
they hammer away at me
as the hammer strikes the anvil
a blacksmith
molding me
my thoughts
my doubts
hammer those
they hold back the flow
this dam holds back the flood
should it burst
could it burst
the blacksmith hammers
pounding into the night
forging
by hand
perfection
with every strike
the anvil answers
the hot fiery steel
shapes itself
the coldness of the hammers blow
sends sparks flying
the blacksmith
hammers away
into the night


This one seems to confuse some people.
Allow me to elaborate a tiny bit.
Think of "The Blacksmith" as the female god, and the anvil as the male god.
Who do you think the steel represents?
The reason I believe in a female god: The plain and simple fact, that love exists.


The Search For A Soulmate

there's a woman
she lives inside my mind
her voice a whisper in the wind
sometimes i can hear her
most of the time she's just there
i used to wonder if she was real
but after searching
i've never found her
my imagination runs wild
it toys with me
if only that woman were real
life would make so much
more sense to me
she makes me do things sometimes
makes me think i'm crazy
but thats ok
it's just the voice inside my head
making me this way
i've tried to ignore her
she persists
i've given up trying to find her
she's not real
just a figment of my imagination
to replace what's missing
the woman
whom i've often dreamt of
but never seen

i think a lied to myself again
i found her
i really found her
the woman who lives in my mind
she came to me
she was the blacksmith i heard
working her way
pounding
into the night
i must've called to her
somehow
how can i do it again
i can't let this
dream
slip through my fingers
how do you hold onto a dream
without
shattering it's
fragileness
face it straight on
you told me
you said it first
i hope you meant it
because then i mean it too


If you plan on looking for your soulmate, this is the vicious circle you face.
I've been fooled so many times myself, someday I might just find the right one.


This Morning
i thought of you
i didn't expect it
my thoughts just wandered 
and you crept in
i thought of you
this morning
first thing
as the sleep left my mind
thoughts of you replaced it
i tried to fight it
it was useless
i thought of you this morning
i give in
i want to think of you
do you want to think of me
do i exist to you
am i a part of your
thought process
i wonder
probably not
i am just a simple man
not someone special
just a man
i thought of you
this morning
it made me feel better
thinking of you
the possibilities
maybe
someday
you'll think of me


When you can't stop yourself from thinking about someone, that is a sign.
If you enjoy thinking about someone, that is a sign.
Follow the signs, they lead you to your soulmate.


Realizing a Dream
what do you do
when you've realized
a dream
i always thought
love was a dream
but i think
i may have found it
this time
it happened so
quickly
i still have
a few doubts
the more i ponder
the more they fade
i felt an arrow
through my heart
they were simple words
but they shot me
i've heard them 
a thousand times
i believe it was
you
in my mind
all this time
what do you do
when you realize a dream
a dream
that's come true
if i am
still dreaming
let me never wake


I think I know what I am going to do, should I ever find her.
That is for her and I to know.
Let's just say that, I'll make sure it never ends.


my biggest fear
will i be good enough
am i what people expect
i know i shouldn't
put so much weight
on what people's
opinions are
why do i still do it
maybe because
somehow
people's opinions do 
matter
i'm not sure why
i just hope i'm
good enough
i feel like
such a coward
sometimes
i know i shouldn't
doubt myself
yet i still do
can someone please
explain it to me
why i feel
the way that i do
my thoughts and 
feelings
don't line up
i know better
i'm still scared
will i be good enough
that is my biggest fear
i think
now
that only one person's 
opinion is what
i'm afraid of
what does she really think of me
am i good enough
i wonder
i think i could be
if she got to know me
better
she interests me
i'd like to get to know her
because
then she could get to
know me too
it's hard
being afraid
what happens if
i'm not good enough
should i be afraid


People's expectations are a hard thing to live up to.
There's a fine line between pleasing some and trying to please all.
No matter what you do, you can't please everyone.
Maybe you should just be happy pleasing yourself first, then worry about everyone else.


final thoughts about women
they are smarter
we are stronger
they hold life
until
it is ready to
be born
there is most likely
nothing
more painful
then giving birth
women are strong of
character
they need to be
to endure such great pain
men
wimper
at the slightest
pain
they hide it
beneath
their ego
women have
strong
character
they don't need to
hide it
as a man
i don't know
what it's like
to not
have
to
hide
it must be
intersting 
to be
a woman


No, I am not gay.
Women are a part of men's lives.
I just want to understand them better.
They have always been a great mystery to me.
What motivates a woman to do the things she does.
That is what I wonder the most.

For my children

Samantha
she was my daughter
i never got to meet her
never heard her cry
she left me 
before i had a chance
to show her love
a father's love
for his daughter
i sit and wonder
sometimes
what she'd be like
if she were here today
what a difference
she would have made
in my life
and in the man i am today
it's hard not to
be so sad
i keep thinking of what 
i could've had
she's gone now
the only memory i have
is holding her
sad, limp
body in my arms
we buried her
it was a beautiful day
in march
mother nature made it
it had rained and froze
everything like a crystal
reminding us of how fragile 
life can be
she's a part of me
forever
even though
i never met her
she will always be
my daughter
-Dad-


This was one of the most painful lessons for me to learn.
Giving up something I never even had.
Then I realized, eventually, you need to let your children go.
Even if they are alive.
They grow up and move on.


Joshua
you are my son
i miss you
you mean the world to me
if i had my way
you would be with me
things never work out
quite the way we plan
just know that
if you ever need me
for anything
i will always be here
i wanted to be there
when the monsters under your bed
scared you
i wanted to be there
to make them go away
i wanted to be there 
when you were frightened
i wanted to be there
just for you
i hope that
someday
you'll understand
-Dad-


The result of choosing the wrong woman.
Unfortunately, the choices we make affect more then ourselves.
I hope someday, I can make it up to my son.


Daily inspirations

Everyday
I breathe in and out
everyday
all day
inhaling
exhaling
if i don't i'll die
the air gives us life
we are apt to
take for granted
it's a simple thing
but so important
breathing
it's a necessity
we all do it
what happens when we stop
things come to an end
but is it the end
or just a new
beginning
life goes on around us
passing us by
we watch and wait
to see
what happens next
will it be me
or is it
someone else's turn
have patience they say
it will be your turn
someday
i wait
and wait
for that someday
the day that
never seems to arrive
some say seize the day
make sure you know what
you are seizing
a day just like any other
or a day you want to last forever


People have a tendancy to overcomplicate life.
Just "KISS" it, it makes it better.
"KISS" = Keep It Simple Stupid.


Hope
of all the things
i've heard
about hope
two things
come to mind
hope springs eternal
and
theres always hope
i think
it may be
that you can
never
ever
run out of
hope
there must be
something
to counter
this limitless
emptiness
that i feel inside
everytime
i feel the emptiness
taking hold
hope always
shows up
and makes it let go
hope is not permanent
it wasn't meant to be
hope is there
to help you
make it through
each and every
day


I think the truly "hopeless" are those who rely solely on hope.
I don't believe anyone can be without hope, they just need to have something to hope for.


12th Birthday
i love to travel
visiting places
that i've never seen
touching things
smelling things
it's an experience
i remember as a child
traveling with my family
we had a motorhome
it was great
i have so many
fond memories
of travel with my family
the smell of diesel fuel
takes me back
to a truckstop
in Germany
the van we had
leaked it badly
it splattered all over
the smell of
road grime
mixed with diesel fuel
takes me back
it was my 12th birthday
we were in Europe
my great uncle had
a german shepard
i was petting it
it seemed a nice dog
was always friendly before
then all of a sudden
it jumped me
and bit me on my arm
after that i dont recall
exactly what happened
i remember going to the hospital
and i remember leaving
with my arm in a bandage
wrapped like a present
i still bear the scar
a birthday present 
that last forever


I went on hundreds of trips with my parents.
I find it interesting that the only one I remember clearly, is this one.
Pain, sometimes it can be a good thing.
Pain is what creates the memories that we never forget, ever.


Alarm Bells
ring
they wake me
the sounds frighten me
i am jerked out 
of my solemn slumber
i was sleeping so peacefully
alarm bells ringing
woke me
suddenly
unexpectedly
all i want to do
is go back to sleep
i'm tired
alarm bells
woke me
unexpectedly
joting me to my
senses
blasting the cobwebs
of sleep from
my mind
the alarm is still going
it wont let me sleep
when will it end
the alarm
i'm awake now
let it end


People have asked me, what on earth this has to do with fear.
Well, fear is what motivates us.
Like a slap in the face, it wakes us.
If it weren't for fear, nothing would ever get accomplished.
People are afraid of many things, what are you afraid of?


A Dream I Had
i had a dream once
i didn't understand it
nobody i knew did either
whats the point
of having dreams
if theres no meaning
i heard once that
dreams are food
food for the soul
if i never remember
has my soul been fed
dreaming comes to us
we can't force it
it just happens
maybe our souls only
consume what they need
is it possible
my soul aches too much to feed
i dont dream much
when i do i can only
recall sketchy details
fragments of the imagination
as if there was too much pain
to consume an entire meal
my soul must be lacking something
if i knew what it was
i'd fix it
sometimes i wonder
what lies so deep
beneath the surface
of people
are we just sheep
or is there more
we all have 
fears
doubts
dreams
hopes
wishes
it is possible
just possible
that the fears and doubts
overshadow the rest
when anything is possible
why should we fear
dreams are not real
but maybe sometimes
they just
strike a chord
making our souls cry out
and forcing us to remember
what it was
we dreamt about


Just because we don't understand something, doesn't necessarily mean it's pointless.
Some things are better understood without understanding them.
Sometimes, the best answer to a question, is an answer, better left unsaid.
When a bird shits on your windshield, just be glad it missed the paint.


Blame
why do people
feel the need to blame
does it solve anything
in reality
no one is to blame
perhaps people
like to point out
the weakest link
in a chain
after the chain has broke
what does it matter
point out the weak link
before the chain breaks
don't blame it after 
there's no point
you can see
that broken link
laying there
blame
blame it on the rain
the rain made the link rusty
sounds to me
like blame is a chain too
i wonder
does it have
a weak link


I think blame is stupid.
It's a waste of time and effort.
The solution to a problem, has never been who made the mistake, but the mistake itself.

Brave Enough
are you brave enough
to folow 
your heart
blindly
without a question
let it guide you
no matter what
i'm not
but
the lonliness 
i feel
is greater
then any pain
that i could
feel
some say
the best part of 
love
is falling in love
i've fallen
so many times
mostly
in my mind
to help
ease this
lonliness
i feel this
large hole
inside me
limitless
i don't think
i'll ever meet
the woman
who can fill it
but
i have to try
this lonliness
is what i fear more


This goes along with fear, fear is the great motivator.
Bravery is an illusion, made up of different people's fears.

Dreams
i like to dream
sometimes
i think
i dream too much
i see things
as how i
want them to be
instead of how
they actually are
dreams can be
good
as long as
you can tell
the difference
between
reality and
a dream
i get caught up
in my mind
my imagination
takes me places
and i can forget
the difference
between
what is real
and
what is a dream
reality always
has a way
of making itself known
abruptly
it interrupts the 
dreams
i try to let
my reality be
influenced
by my dreams
they add the color
of a new idea
to the tiresome
drudge of
each day
that is reality
dreams
they are my
vacation
from reality
a vacation
i take
within my
mind
if you could
take a vacation
anytime you
wanted
wouldn't you
i would
and i do
i dream
probably too much
but
dreaming isn't such a bad thing
it's a better escape
then some others
someday
i hope
i wont need to
dream anymore
reality will be
better then
any dream
i could conceive
until that day
i will continue to dream


I think there is some confusion about dreams.
There are dreams that you dream when you sleep.
The dreams I speak of here, are the ones you have while you are awake.
I like the idea of a christmas poo, it makes more sense then a christmas present.


What are friends for?

Friendship
what we treasure most
the things we've shared
times we've spent together
the pain we've felt
having a firend like you
made things easier to bear
you were there to remind me
of the good times
when i was down
you cheered me up
when i needed it most
you're a good friend to me
and i cherish that
you lift me up when i'm down
you're there for me when 
i need you most
in return
i'm here for you
should you need it
if your down
i'll bring back the good times
and lift you up
as you've done for me
you're a good friend
i like having you around
it makes life
that much
better
having a friend like you


I think this one is pretty much self explanatory.
Yes, I have thought about writing for Hallmark.


My answer to home is where the heart is

Home
asleep on a beanbag
i remember falling asllep
on a beanbag
it fel nice and cool
compared to
the crackling fire
it was the 
perfect mix
one side of me cool
the other side warm
i can still smell it
the sweet smell
of freshly split
maple
the sizzling of
the sap as it bubbled
out the end
of the log
the pop
from the moisture
trapped within
it didn't startle me
i think
if those pops
and crackles
weren't there
i would have woke
as if something
were missing
the comfort of a fire
warms the heart
while listening
to the sound
of rain
falling
on the rooftop
knowing 
i'm at home
safe
and sound


Home is not only where the heart is.
Home is where we feel safe enough to be ourselves.
Without, worrying about what other people's opinions are.


Is it better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?

Loved
we seek love
like a holy grail
it leads us
follow your heart
you may just find it
have you ever felt
true love
has anyone ever
really found it
i've heard
it's better to have loved
and lost
then to never have loved
at all
i have loved and lost
before love
life was dull
dingy and gray
even with the pain
of lost love
life is more
vibrant, colorful
love made me notice
the simple things in life
the smell as i walk outside
the way the sunlight
reflects off of parked cars
the way the moonlight
beams down from above
theres so many
little things
i can't list them all
mostly 
the feeling i had
i remember it
quite clearly
my insides felt
all warm and gooey
i remember it
i miss it
the warmth
it's so much better
then the chill
that lonliness
brings to my heart
i think i agree
it is better to have loved
and lost
then to have never loved
at all


I love women.
I love the way they manipulate me.
They are like a drug to me, I'm addicted.
No matter what I've been through, I'll always be able to love again.
Thanks to hope.


What's your opinion of yourself?

Myself
i take comfort in myself
i know i can rely
where ever i am
thats where i'll be
people come and go
but i'll always have myself
lonliness is the only fear
i dont mind being by myself
i just want to share
i know myself
other people don't
i'd like them to get to know me
but sometimes they resist
i wonder why
do i scare them
or are they afraid 
of what they feel inside
i take comfort in myself
i stand here alone
not afraid to be myself
i used to
be afraid of myself
let my true feelings show
time has eased that fear 
i think
maybe i just realized
when everything is gone
at least i still have
myself


Yep, I think that pretty much sums it up.
The only person you can truly rely on, is yourself.


My thoughts on music

The Music
it echoes in my soul
i can feel it
it vibrates
it makes me move
it's constant beat
the flow of the rythm
the groove within
the artists energy
blending swirling
with mine
i feel it
it makes me move
can you hear
the spirit
in the music
the flow of the melody
carries it through
the air
to our hearts
can you feel
the music


Music helps me keep my sanity.
I think it is the language of the soul.
I will always listen to music.
It helps to shape my mood.


How to make it through each day

Today
today i feel good
i accomplished what
i set out to do
not a perfect day
that is impossible to acheive
just make it through
without any major upsets
all obstacles were cleared
i made it
today is over
i will remember this day
what it taught me
i reflect
what did i learn today
take nothing for granted
because tomorrow may not be
as good as today
it's the little things
nothing big
thats what made today
so special
it was just a typical day
but i made it
and thats what counts
i'm here to reflect
and think about life's
simple pleasures
the cup of coffee this morning
the day's first cigarette
the crispness of the air
as i walk to my car
the sound of the beast
coming to life
warming up to
keep me warm
it carried me safely to work
where i spent my day
as usual
which was fine with me
i was just happy to be there
and not out
in the cold
alone
the feeling you get after a day of work
is nothing to be touched
nothing can beat
the feeling of earning your keep
today is over
i made it


Again, like everyday, just "KISS" it.
"KISS" = Keep It Simple Stupid.


Who knows what tomorrow holds?

Tomorrow
who knows what tomorrow holds
tomorrow is a new day
new sights
new sounds
new thoughts
we clean the slate
every night 
as we sleep
to make ready
for a new day
a new beginning
everyday is unique
i look forward to tomorrow
the surprises it will bring
the challenges
the lessons
i try to learn
something new everyday
it makes that day 
much more worthwhile
if you don't better yourself
why are you here
to trudge through 
a daily routine
taking no notice
of things you should've seen
make amends today
for tomorrow is another day
you may not get that chance
people forgive and forget
is it right to forget
remember pain teaches
learn from your mistakes
and the pain goes away
because tomorrow is another day


I look forward to the future.
I'm curious to see, what's going to happen.
The key is to have patience.
Let those things happen, don't try to force them.


Why is there a winter?

Winter
the autumn warns us
of it's arrival
the changing of the leaves
the cool scent in the air
the aroma of wood
burning in a hearth
it wafts through the air
an announcement that
winter is on it's way
the snowflakes add
an exclamation point
winter is here
the naked trees bend
to it's fury
the cold grey sky
merciless in its coldness
the snow blows
carrying with it
a dream of spring
the naked trees
a constant reminder
spring will be the end
of winter's fury


I've often wondered, why is there a winter.
I think, to remind us of the sweetness of summer.


What is the meaning of life?

The Meaning Of Life
yesterday is gone
leaving faint memories
some are buried
some are left to live
what do we choose to remember
good things or bad
painfullness and sorrow
happiness and joy
these are the memories 
that shape our lives
they mold us into
who we are and
who we will become
constant change
new memories
old thoughts
remind us of
where we've been
who we've met
things we've heard
things we've said
the path we walk
affects us everyday
some choose a path
others let it choose them
so many choices
we make them everyday
using the past as a guide
we move on our way
to what destination
death
in the end we all die
is there a point to life
it all ends in death
some say the spirit carries on
that somehow the memories live on
what for
it all ends in death
or is there something beyond 
what we see as life
only the dead know
the answers come to us
in life and in death
eventually
all will be known


No, I am not suicidal.
This is reality, don't we all die eventually?
I just happened to realize, that some answers, can not be known, until we are dead.
I can theorize all day long about what lies beyond.
I won't know the absolute truth, until I die.


Where did the universe come from?

On The Outside Looking In
In the beginning, there was only one
that one, became lonely
and created another
of himself
along with that creation
came
energy
a huge explosion of it
and the universe was born
the two were trapped
outside the universe
but they found
that they could manipulate it
like moving marbles 
in a bag
eventually
together
they managed to create something special
the sparks
that eventually became life
as we know it
but those sparks
always seemed to flicker
and fade
what they saw
when those sparks faded
was 
more showing where they were
instead of there being two
there were more
together
they reasoned
that if you could
create an eternal spark
you could be in
that universe
forever
how to create
an eternal spark
that is the question
find the one
the one that makes
your one
into two
once you touch
inside
the spark
will never go out
what you need to
realize 
is
both places
are crowded
you must find them
in both
everytime
a spark is created
there is no longer
room for more
to fade
this is it
when all the sparks left have faded
the universe 
will collapse
and it will all go back
into one
and the process starts over
until
the eternal
spark
is found
if the eternal spark
gets found
before
there is no more
room for sparks
to fade
then
the two who created
it
must stay together outside
until
there is no more room
for sparks
to fade
the eternal spark
was found, early
the man that represented it
became a martyr
he gave it all up
so that everyone
could share
the woman
who represented it
was the one who 
wiped his 
face
now
the outside is full
there are only
two
who can create new
sparks
everyone else
creates images of themselves
to be a part of
the universe
and live
is what they
crave
they were forced
to learn
by creating
copies of themselves
and letting
them fade
until
it was time

***

that is
the secret
the spark fades
but the lessons learned
remain
on the outside
looking in


This is my theory on the universe.
How and why it exists.
I find this explanation covers all the bases.
It's as good as any I've found so far.


Time
how would you remember
without time
take time away
and all the
memories become
one
how can you remember
everything at once
you can't
it takes time
because
what is the point
of remembering
without
thinking about
how it felt
that takes
time
the feelings
shape
the way
we react
to the same
situation
next time
remember
sometimes
all it takes
is
time


I guess it's true, only time will tell.


Is this the truth?

The absolute truth.
it's what i'm dying to know
who do i ask
to get the answer
where can i go
to find it
what do i do
once i've discovered it
who should i tell
everyone
could everyone
handle
the absolute truth
probably not
how do we decide
who we tell
the absolute truth
it can be
quite
stunning
imagine
the answers to all
of mankind's questions
at once
to ponder
over and over
it would probably
take centuries
upon centuries
to fully
comprehend
it
the absolute truth
someone had to know
eventually
we all will.


The absolute truth about everything is probably a large amount of data.
How long do you think it would take to download?
More then one lifetime, I would imagine.


Random poetic thoughts of my own

Alone
i am alone
always
i haven't touched
a woman
in a very long time
i am alone
i don't remember
the last hug i received
i can't remember
the last time i was kissed
my body lacks
contact
with a woman
i long for it
but i refuse to force it
i'd rather be alone
then disrespect a woman
women put up with
enough things
from other men
i am alone
i think i probably will be
for a very long time
unless someone proves me wrong
it'll most likely be forever
alone
forever
i think
i'd rather die


Answers
what would a question be
without an answer
a thought maybe
i often wonder about things
i dont often get an answer
answers come from
different places
sometimes
any answer is
better then none
i'd rather know
for sure
then be left hanging
in a cloud 
of doubt
one good solid answer
takes away the
doubt
when it comes
to that question
anyway
i like answers
even if
they aren't
exactly
what i wanted
to hear
something is
beter then
nothing
an answer is
better then
silence


The Beach
the smell of burning charcaoal
the sound of children playing
the warmth of the sun
shining down
the shade from a tree
the sound of waves crashing
against the shore
the smell of
suntan lotion
the breeze
that comes off the water
sometimes
i don't think
life could get any better



The Hamburger
theres no ham in it
and tell me
what exactly is a burger
sounds more like a booger to me
i love a good sandwich
made with ground beef
cooked on an open fire
the smell of the charcoal
lingering in the air
accentuates the flavors
exploding in my mouth
the cool crisp lettuce
crunching
the tamoto slice
dripping down my chin
the mayo
on the tip of my nose
i chew
the tomato
jumps out first
then the meat
they mingle together
in perfect harmony
the mayo and lettuce
add drums
to complete the symphony
i love a good hamburger


Victim Of Circumstance
i've been a victim of circumstance
all my life
i look at things
and see them for what
they could be
instead of what they actually are
victim of circumstance
when you're a dreamer like me
you can make the circumstances
represent things
they don't
i look and see
and i perceive
sometimes
i perceive
the wrong thing
i make mistakes
because
i let my emotions
take over
i'm a poet
thats how i write
with emotion
i also live that way
with emotion
i never met
a gut feeling
i didn't like
after today
i'm a bit wiser
and will
hopefully choose
better
in the future


Crystal Rose
a crystal rose
has no scent
but
it is the most beatiful of roses
a crystal rose
can be any color
you place a color near one
and it grabs hold of it
and reflects it as it's own
a crystal rose
has thorns too
bu they aren't as sharp
as the real thing
every crystal has
it's own frequency
if you rub them just right
they can sing beautifully
i wonder if that would be true
for a crystal rose


Self Doubt
why do i doubt myself
when things
are out of my control
i always doubt
myself
i wonder
if i did
the right thing
impatiently waiting
to see the results
of my actions
seems like
the longer i wait
the more i doubt
i doubt myself
because i think
it's easier
to expect
to be wrong
i've made many mistakes in my life
i think
i will most likely make a lot more
before i am through
i don't want to doubt myself
but with no knowledge
of what the results
of my actions are
it makes it hard to do anything else
i live in doubt
until i see
the truth
all i ever wnted to know
is
the truth
most of the time
the truth
isn't what i'd like to hear
that doesn't matter to me
i'd rather have the truth any day
over a lie
the truth is
i'm afraid
i'm afraid of being alone
for the rest of my existence
i've been alone for nearly 4 years now
i don't like it
but i can't force a change
i can only hope
that someday
i wont be alone anymore


I Dream
i dream
to escape the pain i feel
i dream
because i dont like
the things i see
i dream to get away
from the things
that cause
me pain
i dream
because i can
i could just run away
from the things
that i'm afraid of
but i'd be running forever
i'd rather dream
i've ran away before
whatever is chasing you
seems to always
catch up with you
dreams exist
only in my mind
i dream
instead of running
i'm beginning to tire
of dreaming
then i don't know
what i'll do
if the day should ever come
when i can no longer dream
maybe someone will save me
from that day
i doubt it though
you can only rely on yourself
i don't know how to save myself
i hope i find a way
before it's too late


Lazy Sundays
i remember looking forward to sunday
there would usually be
a fire lit in the fireplace
during the winter
the last day of the weekend
before i would have to go
back to school
i would lay there
in front of the fire
absorbing the warmth
listening to the pops and crackles
mingle with the sound
of the TV
lazy sundays
relaxing at home
enjoying
the peacefullness
of a day
of complete rest
i could use a month
of lazy sundays



Love
i want to love
i need to love
i have nobody to love
everytime i think
i find it
it never lasts
i need love
i feel
so alone
without it
i need love
it makes me happy
i need love
it makes me feel
good enough
i will
continue to fall in love
until i find the right one
or the day i die
if i die before i find her
it will probably
feel like hell
love
i think it's the stuff
heaven is made of



Misunderstood
i am a poet
i am misunderstood
women are my passion
love is my pleasure
i write about
the things
that are my passion
and my pleasure
i mean no harm
i just write about how
things make me feel
they may just be words
but they mean a lot to me
when i sit down to write
it's because i was
inspired
if someone inspires me
i'd like to get to know them
and find out why
they inspired me
misunderstood
maybe someday
i'll find a woman
who understands



Women
i can't think
enough about them
there is nothing
so beautiful as
a woman
they come in all shapes and sizes
each one unique
all beautiful
i think women
are creatures of love
that's what makes them so beautiful
and nothing
can make a man
feel as good as
a woman's love
that's what i long for
the love of a good woman
she's out there
that good woman
i seek
but i think
this time
i'll let her
come to me
i'm tired of chasing after
red herrings
i just hope i have the
patience to wait


Nightmares
dreams that frighten us
feelings in dreams
are so much more intense
our minds aren't distracted by
our other five senses
when we have a dream
that is frightening
it is even more intense
then anything that could
possibly happen
while we are awake
our dreams express
our deepest feelings
a nightmare
is a symptom
of something amiss
deep within ourselves
i don't remember
ever having a nighmare
that frightened me
so much that i woke up
i'm sure it has happened
but i don't recall it
maybe my mind filters
out my dreams
because i only remember
tiny bits and pieces
my mind must be full of something
else
maybe it's reality
i'm constantly thinking
about things
pondering things most people
don't really care about
but i like to think about them
i'm curious about
why we even exist
what is the meaning of life
why do people have nightmares
i don't know
a nightmare is just a dream
an extremly powerful one
i try and follow
the theory
that everything happens for a reason
i am afraid of nightmares
maybe thats why i never dream
sometimes
i feel like
my life is a living nightmare
maybe someday
i'll wake up and realize
it was all just a dream


The Perfect Moment
i met a woman once
her first name was crystal-rose
she has a pair of drumsticks with my first name on them
she touched my soul
i long for her
warm embrace
our bodies
pressed together
our thoughts
thinking about each other
our hearts
beating as one
our breath
escaping our mouths
we stand for a moment
in time
enjoying
just being
with each other
the passion slowly builds
and seeps out
we end up in a kiss
our tongues
exploring each others mouths
our minds wandering
into the future
of us

A Rose
a rose
by any other name
would not
smell as sweet
to only know a rose
by it's scent
leaves out
the perfect name
without a name
it's simply
thorns
stems
leaves
and petals
how does that description
compare with the word
rose
a name isn't everything
but it is a part
of things


Sex
two bodies
become one
his manhood
inside her
the passion
filling their hearts
thoughts of love
filling their minds
pleasuring each other
to the moment
of ecstacy
an explosion
of pure joy
sex
it feels so much better
when you're in love
when you're in love
you don't care
about pleasing yourself
you just want to make the one
you love
feel good
that is the difference
between lust and love
lust is when you have sex
to pleasure yourself
love is when you have sex
to pleasure your partner
true love
is when
you both need pleasure
at the same time
everytime
i look forward to meeting
the woman
who needs sex
as much
as i


Simple Pleasures
my life consists of
simple pleasures
i don't have the latest
and greatest
gadgets
i have enough
to get me by
simple pleasures
are the best
it is the small
little things
they all add up
to so much more
a simple cup of coffee
can make the difference
between having a good day
or having a bad one
a certain kind of soap
if you like the smell
can make you feel clean all day
the right kind of socks
can make shoes more comfortable
simple pleasures
when you add them all up
they make life that much better


Solitude
the emptiness
surrounds me
in my solitude
wanting
needing
what i can not
have
all that's left
leaves me empty
a hollow shell
i am alone
empty
the vacant
look on my face
shows
i am but
a shell
of the man
i should be
emptiness
i am alone
missing
the one
who completes me
if there
even is such a woman
i don't think
there is
i think love
is a figment
of our imaginations
put there
because
of a need to feel
that there's
more to life
then death
we live
we die
does what happen
in between
really matter?



Torn Inside
part of me wants to
run around and dance
the other part of me
wants to go sit in a corner and cry
i feel so torn inside
i want to be happy
it feels like
everyone's against me
why doesn't anyone
want me to be happy
i try to keep it inside
but i'm torn inside
and it leaks out
i have a hole inside me
it's in my heart
i thought i found the peg
that fit the hole
you can't force a square peg
into a round hole
you can't make someone
feel a certain way
either they do or they don't
it could just be
that it takes some people
longer then others
to realize
that they feel a certain way
it's doesn't matter though
i'm torn inside
the hole is still there
i am still alone
tonight
i will go home
and be alone
as usual
the hole is still there
i'm torn inside


Waiting
the waiting
it's the hardest part
not knowing
the suspense
will i ever know
the truth
maybe
someday
the truth
always
comes to light
waiting
it's hard
not knowing
the answer to
the things you wonder about
i've been waiting
a very long time
i can wait a little bit longer
hopefully not much longer
i'm almost at the point
of giving up
and looking for an answer to
a different question
waiting
patience is a virtue they say
i think those who say that
have never really had to wait
for anything
important
i don't know how much longer
i can wait
all i can do is try


Worried
i'm worried
about the turn my life
may take
i don't know
what my future holds
all i know is
what's here and now
i'm worried
i don't know what's going to happen
tomorrow
i'm worried
things are about to change
i think
i can feel
something
it worries me
i hope i can wether this storm
as well as i have
all the others
i worry
the storm is not something
i expected
sometimes
surprises are not a good thing
i worry
about tomorrow
because it may not be as good as today


My Shortcommings

i hate myself sometimes

i never think of the

consequences of my actions

i just act on impulse

i hate myself for that

sometimes i'll do something

and then wonder why i just did it

i hate myself for that

i'm alone and afraid

i can't seem to talk to women

i hate myself for that

i don't look the way i want to look

i don't live where i want to live

i don't have the job i want to have

i have no one to blame

but myself

and i hate myself for those things

it's nobody's fault

but mine

i keep making stupid mistakes

and ruining my life

i hate myself

i just want to be happy again

i don't think i ever will

sometimes i think

i would be better off dead

but i know

suicide isn't the answer

although sometimes

it does sound appealing

i hate myself too much

i shouldn't blame myself for things

that are not out of my control

but i still do

because i've made mistakes

to cause those things

to be out of control

i hate myself

for the things that i do

and the things that i don't do

i wish i could change

but i don't know how

i hate myself

maybe someday i'll understand myself

then i wont hate myself

Drugs

are they for

medication or pleasure

if you're sick

a medicine is made

to make you feel better

if you're doing something

that's considered

for pleasure

let's take a look at

what pleasure is

i think

pleasure is 

an indication 

of feeling better

if you are not sick

why should you be able to

feel better

if you're not sick

you should feel fine

and be happy all the time

drugs

i think all drugs

are a medicine for something

some are just

medicines for a mind

we don't even comprehend

Up All Night 
i stayed up all night 
thinking 
pondering the future 
wondering why 
certain things happen 
when you least expect them 
i stayed up all night 
not out of worry 
i like to stay up all night 
and think 
it more quiet and peaceful 
when everyone around me 
is asleep 
i stayed up all night 
and listened to the world 
wake up in the morning 
first the birds 
singing their songs 
then some silence 
before the storm 
called man 
wakes 
the sound of people 
cars starting up 
doors opening and closing 
water running 
the world springs to life 
with activity 
welcome to a new day 
what does this day 
hold in store for me? 


In The Woods

sitting in the woods

on a warm summer's day

the ground covered with

spongy soft moss

the smell of freshwater

and fish

the sunlight peeking through

the trees

a breeze coming off

the backwater of the dam

the sounds of birds chirping

and ducks quacking

fills the air

the ferns open their

fronds

to catch the sun

i sit here thinking

pondering why i'm here

what's my reason

to get away

get away from what

too many people

i don't like being around people

they always have their own opinions

and never let me express mine

i'm forced to listen

when i have much to say

i go to the woods

in order to get away

to a place where

the trees outnumber the people

i sit here

not alone

but

surrounded by nature

enjoying the day

where i can be free

to think as i may

someday

i'll have a voice

that people will 

listen to

Camping In The Rain

the sound of the rain

pitter pattering against nylon

camping in a tent

in the rain

i like to sit and listen

to the sounds

even if there's no rain

my eyes don't work so well

anymore

i wear glasses

i focus on my other senses

touch

scent

and sound

I like to lay still and listen

to the world

around me

i like trying to figure out

what is going on

just by the sounds i can hear

i camp in a tent

the walls are so thin

i can hear everything

that goes on outside

the peacefullness of silence

after the sun sets

sleeping under the stars

in a tent

it has been a long time

since i have slept so well

my life is not what i want

but i can still remember

the good times

that i had

and remind myself

that even though

there's a storm

something good

may come out of it

i remember the good

over the bad

and it cheers me up

because i need it

i don't have what i want

i am persistent enough

to get what i want

i just hope all my efforts are not in vain

this time

Hunting

i killed a deer once

it was on the opening day

of firearm season

that was the first life

i had ever taken

on purpose

at the time

i didn't think much about

that poor creature's life

that i had just taken

i was overwhelmed by

the thrill of the hunt

the meat was good

i'm still not sure

if the meat i ate

was worth the price

that deer had to pay

they are lower animals then us

i suppose that deer

had a better life then cattle

the cattle raised for our

consumption

are raised in pens with little room to roam

the deer had the entire forest

with no fences

i think thats a better life

why did i end it?

Parents

i remember a song

about how parents

just don't understand

i think they do understand

it's just that their love

for thier children

blinds them

they have hopes and dreams

for their children

just as the children

have hopes and dreams for

themselves

i don't think they line up

very often

parents want one thing

while the children 

want another

maybe it's not just

the parents understanding

but the children

should understand too

nobody can love you

like your parents do

they want you to succeed

but sometimes

what they want you to succeed in

doesn't match what you

want to succeed in

given time

an understanding can be reached

communication is the key

keep talking to them

and telling them

about who you want to be

and what you want to succeed in

it can be hard sometimes

once you go out into

the world on your own

take your parents advice

and use it where it applies

it will help

parents do understand

they may be misguided

but they always have your

best interest 

at heart

Shadows

i have a dream

a dream of love

the shadow i chase

incessantly

like a nightmare

it haunts me

the shadow is there

i wish it were true

i dream of love

were it more then

just a mere shadow

the shadow disappears

during the night

to fill my dreams

reappearing during the day

making me chase

the shadow

called love

i will follow

only there's

no one to lead me

except a shadow

i chase

the shadows of my dreams

i dream of love

and have only shadows

to grasp

i long for someone

to give a voice

to the shadows i chase

yet all remains silent